Have you seen that article floating around about Pope Francis historically convening the 3rd Vatican Council to update several of the church's outdated and unpopular teachings, finally making Catholicism more progressive? Well, read some of the excerpts below and then get those tissues handy.

"Catholicism is now a modern and reasonable religion, which has undergone evolutionary changes. The time has come to abandon all intolerance. We must recognize that religious truth evolves and changes. Truth is not absolute or set in stone. Even atheists acknowledge the divine. Through acts of love and charity the atheist acknowledges God as well, and redeems his own soul, becoming an active participant in the redemption of humanity.

“Through humility, soul searching, and prayerful contemplation we have gained a new understanding of certain dogmas. The church no longer believes in a literal hell where people suffer. This doctrine is incompatible with the infinite love of God. God is not a judge but a friend and a lover of humanity. God seeks not to condemn but only to embrace. Like the fable of Adam and Eve, we see hell as a literary device. Hell is merely a metaphor for the isolated soul, which like all souls ultimately will be united in love with God” Pope Francis declared.

“All religions are true, because they are true in the hearts of all those who believe in them. What other kind of truth is there? In the past, the church has been harsh on those it deemed morally wrong or sinful. Today, we no longer judge. Like a loving father, we never condemn our children. Our church is big enough for heterosexuals and homosexuals, for the pro-life and the pro-choice! For conservatives and liberals, even communists are welcome and have joined us. We all love and worship the same God.”

“God is changing and evolving as we are, For God lives in us and in our hearts. When we spread love and kindness in the world, we touch our own divinity and recognize it. The Bible is a beautiful holy book, but like all great and ancient works, some passages are outdated. Some even call for intolerance or judgement. The time has come to see these verses as later interpolations, contrary to the message of love and truth, which otherwise radiates through scripture. In accordance with our new understanding, we will begin to ordain women as cardinals, bishops and priests. In the future, it is my hope that we will have a woman pope one day. Let no door be closed to women that is open to men!”

Now, the first sentence alone should've been enough to tip us off that this is a bunch of bull, but no. I bought the whole thing, hook line and sinker and even wrote an excited article about it just now but once again it turns out when something seems too unbelievably good to be true, it probably is.

Erik Thorson created the blog 'Diversity Chronicle' to amuse himself by writing fake news stories based on his views of what the world should look like and sadly my spoof alarms didn't go off this time probably because I really wish this 'news' were really true. Of course after reading it again, I can easily see the utter impossibility of changes like that. I grew up in the church and found my jaw on the floor but not anymore because what church would really water down it's teaching THAT much? If you jaw dropped too, you can read the rest of this finely crafted farce here.

Erik Thorson for Pope lol

Top Things You Should Know About Your New Pope, Jorge Mario Bergolio... Or Just Francis

More From 96.1 The Eagle