Ray Lewis, Schmay Lewis... Ever curious about what goes on from the time Ray wakes up till he drifts off to sleep? I'm not, but if I was, here's a funny tongue-in-cheek list of what we think MIGHT be going on in his day if we got a peek at his iCal...


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8:00 A.M.:  Wake up, praise God loudly, then think about hitting someone so hard they go to the hospital.

8:20 A.M.:  After showering, put on Axe Body Deer Antler Spray.

8:45 A.M.:  Breakfast with teammates.  Pick up the stab.  I mean, tab.

10:00 A.M.:  Send Tom Brady a "thank you" note for choking.

11:30 A.M.:  Fail to see any hypocrisy in calling myself a pious family man, despite having six children with four women.

12:00 P.M.:  Venison lunch.  Ask waiter if I can have leftovers in an aerosol can.

1:00 P.M.:  Meet some Ravens fans.  Don't tell them the joy of a Super Bowl victory will NEVER surpass the crippling sadness of having to live in Baltimore.

2:00 P.M.:  Crank call O.J. Simpson to taunt him about how I'm an NFL player who killed two people with a knife and got away with it.

3:00 P.M.:  Get an injection from trainer.  Don't ask any questions.

4:20 P.M.:  Respond to allegations I used a banned substance made from deer antlers . . . by having every deer on earth murdered before they can prove anything.

5:00 P.M.:  Accidentally call coach "JIM Harbaugh."  When he corrects me, stab him.

6:00 P.M.:  Accept award as the Baltimore resident who's committed the fewest murders.

10:00 P.M.:  Pray.  Then look at a picture of Colin Kaepernick and imagine ripping his head off.