How to Avoid Exposing Your Affair This Summer in Central New York

Ah, summer in Central New York, concerts, festivals, Levitt AMP Utica. And it’s the perfect season to… accidentally get caught on camera with the person who definitely isn’t your spouse.

After that viral kiss-cam moment where snuggling concert goers got called out mid-concert (arms around each other, panic, and then BAM, Chris Martin blows up their spot), it’s clear: summer outings are a minefield for anyone living a double life.

So, in the spirit of completely unserious radio humor, here’s your Lite 987 Survival Guide for NOT exposing your affair this summer in Central New York.

1. Avoid the Kiss-Cam Zones at All Costs!

Going to see the JoBros at Empower FCU Amphitheater at Lakeview? Cute. But remember: the closer you are to the stage, the higher the odds of landing on the kiss cam. Sit in the upper lawn where the cameras can’t zoom in, or better yet just stay home.

2. Don’t Get Caught at the Great New York State Fair

Sure, it’s the event of the summer. But let’s be real, literally everyone goes to the State Fair. And you will bump into your spouse’s cousin while waiting for a wine slushie. Plus, there are cameras everywhere. Do you really want your face showing up in the background of someone’s selfie in front of the ferris wheel?

3. Skip the Local Hot Spots on Varick Street

Saranac? Lukin’s? You’re basically signing up for 4,000 pairs of eyes watching you get “extra friendly” with your HR director. It only takes one person to snap a pic and post it on the Utica social media grapevine. By the time the band finishes “Sweet Caroline,” your DMs will already be blowing up with, “Is this you?”

4. No Romantic Lakeside Dates

Delta Lake State Park. Sylvan Beach. Verona Beach. Sounds romantic, right? WRONG. Those are all prime family day-trip spots where you’ll 100% run into your neighbor, your kid’s soccer coach, or the one coworker who can’t keep a secret.

5. Ice Cream Is a Dead Giveaway

I know, Nicky Doodles is tempting. But every single person in the Mohawk Valley goes there after dinner in the summer. One awkward hug in line for a peanut butter flurry, and you’re toast. If you must get ice cream, drive all the way to some random place in Oswego.

Read More: What to Do When Your Kid Plans a Party Without Permission

6. Remember: Central NY Is Small

Even if you think you’re in the clear, you’re not. That stranger at the concert? Probably your spouse’s college roommate. That random lady at the brewery? She teaches your kid’s dance class. Someone always knows someone.

7. Or… Hear Me Out… Just Don’t Do It

Here’s a wild idea, maybe don’t cheat on your partner at all? Save yourself the stress of dodging cameras at the State Fair, hiding behind your beer, and praying you don’t get caught on the big screen at a concert. Enjoy your summer with someone you can actually post on Instagram without fear.

DISCLAIMER:

This is satire, folks. It’s a joke. Don’t be a garbage human. Love your partner, stay faithful, and if you’re tempted to sneak around at the New York State Fair… maybe just get a funnel cake and go home instead. And thankfully, Coldplay isn't playing any venue near Utica this year.

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