Looking for a great laugh? Try reading this Craigslist ad for a 2001 Chevy Malibu.


All eyes to the front of the room because you're going to want to hear this. I'm going to give you a minute before I begin to check out those pictures. . . this ain't no blind date. . . so lucky you. If you don't like what you see just move on to the next contestant. If you know you're looking at a real thoroughbred champion's ride scroll on back and finish reading. Go.



Alright. . . Clearly you are not a classless moron and you're ready for a LIFE CHANGER! I'm here to offer you a steal of a deal. This little lady is known affectionately around these parts as "The Green Monster". And you don't get a name like that by being a soft-hearted, weak-eyed, waste of space. She's not the prettiest but she is there for you. . . everytime. Everytime? EV-AH-RY-TIME. She's like the girl in high school that you never would date but she was always there when your girlfriend broke up with you or you didn't make homecoming court. . . Now is your chance to make up for being such a heartless twit.

Now let me break it down for you real quick.

1.) There's a few body dents -- I know you saw them in the pictures but because your heart is in the right place and you aren't as shallow as you were in high school you kept reading. I can respect that. Let me just say that she has never (EVAR) been in an accident. She HAS lived a tough life cosmetically but she has the heart of a champion. It's what's inside that counts. And let's talk about that. . .

2.) The stereo. Aftermarket. We're talking about USB, MP3, CD, AM/FM. . . If you want to hear a song it's gonna get you there. It will read your iPhone or iPod -- this is a drive able iPhone dock for only $1500. WHAT!? Yeah. Look around, you're still in real life.

3.) Tires -- Okay back to the outside. 2 new tires put on just over a month ago. That's at least $200 there you don't have to worry about for another 60,000-80,000 miles. You're welcome. Why not 4 tires? You guessed it, the other 2 are just fine. With winter coming you don't want your life and the lives of your friends and family riding on some shoddy worn down tires. Safety first people. This car is packed to the damned gills with it.

4.) The brake pads and rotors are also new. SCENARIO TIME! It's November. . . the deer are running around like Bro's at a night club right before close looking for something to call their own. You're exhausted. You just worked 14 straight hours (cutting wood, drinking scotch, punching cows into line, probably drilled an oil well or two) you're tired. . . you just left Wal-Mart with your favorite meal. Steak, Bacon, steak fries, Beer and you just want to get home. Out of nowhere Bro deer hoof bumps his way right into your lane. He's all spaced out on shots of estrus and has no idea what to do. Lucky you. . . she stops on a dime. You're off to eat your steak, the deer is off to a life of disappointment where the gym and his bar tending/bouncer gig never live up to his dreams. Survival instincts, my friend.

5.) The A/C is out. I tried to recharge it but when that didn't work I checked my license and in the spot where it said sex there was this. . . "M". Boom. Then I was like yeah, it gets hot sometimes, but did Henry Ford look at the first Model T and say "Just pack it up boys! It runs like a top but sometimes it might be a little hot when you drive. So throw in the towel."? No he sure as hell didn't. He drove those cars hot or cold into the bosom of history. You can be that great. Also it's November. It's not going to be hot for a while and the heater is making Grade A quality AMERICAN warm air to keep your little tootsies warm.

6.) Car runs fine. Just a lot of driving from Ozark to Springfield and back. . . sometimes to the bar to have a couple of drinks. . . sometimes to Walmart to buy steaks and more beer. Has a tick when it drives but it has 165,000 miles so it comes with the territory. . . let's be realistic. You saw the pictures. . . you're cool with a little compromise.


Now let's talk money.

It Blue Books at $2,714 in "fair" condition. Unfortunately KBB.com doesn't have a "Warrior" condition so I've taken the liberty of telling you what it's worth. Don't believe me? Let me get you up to date on the current price structure in these great United States of America.

Exhibit A: http://www.hayneedle.com/product/firepitartthirdrockfirepit.cfm $1490 - A fire pit that looks like the earth. Or you could travel the earth in the Malibu and experience the beautiful universe around you like God intended. He didn't make the earth so you'd make a replica of it and start a fire inside. BUY THE MALIBU.

Exhibit B: http://www.htmarket.com/hot-dog-grilling-machine.html $1538.99 -- A Three Tier hot dog machine. . . While this is pretty awesome. Give me $1500, I'll give you a bomb ass ride, and you'll still have $38.99. . . Which is like 30 packs of dogs. Which is like over 200 dogs. . . Seriously. BUY THE MALIBU. Get you some dogs.

Exhibit C: http://www.ebay.com/itm/like/281154353025?lpid=82 $1450.00 - A USED purse. . . Are you kidding me!? If your girlfriend is looking at you saying "Buy the purse not the car. . ." you need to politely walk to the next room put on your Hacksaw Jim Duggan T-shirt and Atomic Drop her out the door. The Green Monster has room for 4 more girls that will be far less high maintenance. I'm not giving you a new car. . . I'm giving you a new LIFE. BUY THE MALIBU.

(Note: If you are a female. . . Tell your significant other that you want the purse. When they say you're crazy, counter offer with The Green Monster. You will look reasonable. You will get the car.)

Now that your life is in perspective $1500 should make sense. If not send me an offer that is not insane and we can make a deal. If some fateful day she drives to the great highway in the sky give me a call and we can share stories and beers and send her off in befitting funeral. (There will be fire)

One last thing (as if you're not sold already), I don't know these kids and that's not The Green Monster but as you see here the Malibu is the Trojan horse of the year 2001. Yeah it looks like plain jane peace offering type stuff but waiting under the hood is small force ready to rip your mundane life to shreds, conquer the city which is your mediocrity, and lead you to GREATNESS. Good on you boys. Watch this and be amazed: http://youtu.be/zJri8f7CwJY

I'm sure I'll talk to you soon. You read this far. . . clearly you aren't blind or dumb.

Are you ready to drop some dime? I am!


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