The Kind Of People You Don’t Want To Run Into In Your Company Bathroom
Let’s face it, no one wants to go to the bathroom at work. It’s awful, and truly awkward. Some people on the other hand live on the porcelain bowl and they spend their sweet time in there. You don’t want to run into these people while you’re trying to take care of your number two. Here’s the kind of people you don’t want to run into in your company bathroom.
The Sales Rep
While you’re trying to take care of business, Johnny Sales Guy walks into the bathroom. Johnny is often spotted making two kind of sales pitches: 1) “The Urinal Loudspeaker” or 2) “Don’t Flush This Deal Down The Drain”.
Let’s dissect number one. While unzipping his fly Johnny decides to set the phone on top of the Urinal on loudspeaker. While touching on the importance of buying early, Johnny is also touching himself. Johnny thinks this sales pitch is so important that the client will sit through the sounds of urine hitting a urinal cake. Guess what Johnny, these aren’t as quiet as you think. Johnny should just inform them that if they go with the competition, the client would be pissing their dollars away!
On to number two. Johnny is halfway through talking about a spring package when he sits down in the stall next to you getting ready to drop a package off of his own. Instead of having the attitude of “Hey could I call you back in 5 minutes” Johnny decides to drop a load of bull crap on this bowl instead of his client on the phone. In between pitching sales figures, we heard Johnny moaning. What’s worst about pooping while on the phone is Johnny decides to wipe quietly, and leaves the load in the bowl. I guess it was a little surprise for the next guy.
You may be trying to relax and unwind after a busy day. You take this 5 minutes in the bathroom to space yourself away from everyone, and literally not talk. Stan The Yelling Man happens to walk in, and sit in the stall next to yours. Stan may be 45 but has the maturity level of a 14 year old. As soon as some gas flies you hear Stan start to crack up. Just as soon as the laughter stops, and you begin to relax again Stan yells over to you “That was a good on right?”. Stan won’t let you not answer, so finally you just give in… “Yeah that was a loud one Stan!”. You start to wipe because you notice your efforts of relaxing will fail, Stan yells “What are you afraid of the smell?”, You start to laugh again to make this extremely awkward moment less awkward. Then Stan The Yelling Man finishes some how the same time you do and pulls out his cell phone to start talking about his vacation, showing you pictures before he washes his hands.
Some of the most awkward bathroom time can be with Karaoke Sam. Sam can be a boy or girl. Sam likes to sing as loud as possible while taking a leak, or making a deposit. I like Eddie Money too, but there is no reason to sing “Two Tickets To Paradise” when you’re taking a dump. What’s worst then regular music while you’re taking the browns to the Super Bowl? When people change the lyrics of songs to what action they are taking in the bathroom. For example: “Let me pee, let me pee, let me pee, ohhh let me pee. Peeing words of wisdom, let me pee” aka The Beatles “Let It Be”. Or you may hear this gem “It’s been a hard days night, and I’ve been pooping like a dog!”. Fact: I actually heard someone singing that at our office.
At any point in the day it’s never ever acceptable to eat in the bathroom. Ever. However, Thomas The Eater likes to eat all times of the day, and all locations in the office. Sure finishing an Apple off while youre taking a leak seems like a great idea. Thomas the eater likes to break out the big meals, Thomas like to eat pasta, turkey with tators, chicken, and of course salad. So when you see the food on the ground, you know Thomas has his hands on other problems.
The New Guy
Being a new person in the office is often stressful. Usually the first few people you meet you tend to keep as your work friends. You don’t want the new guy to walk into the bathroom and brand you as the poop guy. No one wants to be the poop guy in an office. Make sure you keep newbie busy while you’re dropping the kids off at the pool.