8 National Days That Should Be Real Holidays
Every once in a while the world needs a day off. Recognized holidays are few and far between. Thanksgiving and Christmas are separated by almost thirty days. Memorial and Labor Day are nice vacation bookends to the summer but they are months apart. The world needs more holidays. Instead of inventing new days of celebration, let's take the already agreed up national days and convert some into actual holidays.
Here are eight national days that would make great holidays.
People need at least eight hours of sleep. At least that's what those guys in white coats will have you believe. Not the local butcher. The OTHER white coats. The truth is we all function on little sleep. The sleepless nights, long days and all this clock switching of Daylight Savings (can't we cut that crap out already?) make for exhausted people. The festival of sleep should be celebrated as one whole day in bed. Every business, restaurant and strip club in the world shuts down for 24 straight hours of snoozing.
Ever have one of those days when it seems as though you can't do anything right? You screw up at work, at home and spend the day apologizing for your ineptitude. Let's officially make Everything You Do Is Right Day a holiday, so that at least for one day, we don't all feel as helpless as an armless man on a jungle gym.
Oh how we yearn for the days of our youth. A time when it was perfectly acceptable to blow off a day of school or work to do absolutely nothing. “I don't feel like going in today. Let's just drive until we run out of gas.” National Goof-Off Day encourages adults to screw around again. Just blow off the responsibilities of being grown-up and pee away the day. Goofing off once in a while is good for the mind. Keeps people from opening fire at work or take a quick step off a bridge.
Some people celebrate this day just about EVERY day, but for those people that watch their caloric intake and spend at least a half-hour engaging in some type of physical activity there will be a nationally recognized Eat What You Want Day. This goes above and beyond the typical “cheat day” that people allow themselves while dieting and exercising. This is a donuts for dinner, milkshakes on the morning commute and cheeseburgers before bedtime kind of holiday or, as Christina Aguilera calls it, Monday.
The yearly release of Madden football is already a sort-of holiday (when was the last time you went to work on Madden Day?) so why not have an actual Video Games Day where the entire world is home and playing games? The celebration starts the night prior (because no one has work the next day) and carries on until the wee hours of the morning the next day. Once every third hour there will be a twenty minute “food and pee-pee” break. Those Mountain Dew Code Reds run right through a guy!
Clothes? Who need 'em? Not that gorgeous girl that walks past your office window every morning. Yet she continues to wear so many layers. Not on National Nude Day. Sure, having EVERYONE naked isn't the best idea, but the good will make up for the bad. And for the really, really bad, well, there is heavy drinking and eye bleach. (Side Note- There is just two months between 'Eat What You Want Day' and 'National Nude Day.' Keep that in mind when sprinkling crushed cookies over your mozzarella sticks.)
Holding a grudge is exhausting. Kiss-And-Make-Up Day is the once a year celebration where people just get the hell over stuff. Bosses that crossed you, exes that cheated and friends that screwed you over all get a phone call to hash it all out. In the end, axes are buried and people just move on with life. The burden is off their shoulders and they start the new year with clean slate and 364 days to get into fights with all new people.
After celebrating all these “holidays,” it's probably a good idea to take stock of your life. Eh, you're doing fine. Carry on.